[ale] Another reason NOT to use Linux!

[Jim Philips]

>MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
>
>REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
>Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility
in
>eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
>GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft
>and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>
>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any
and
>all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
>anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in
the
>computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear
fire."
>
>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped
>my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington

>geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt.
Rainier,
>and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>
>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott
>all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President
reversed
>his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work,"
>said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy
of
>"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>
>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
>justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation
>from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of
>weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally

>found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft
Bob."
>Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
>operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
>radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
>microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written
by
>a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."
>
>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
why
>the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
Intel
>chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof.
E. E.
>Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold
fusion."
>
>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
>California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all
>of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.

>The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.

>"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
>rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying
>Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest
bomb
>the Valley had developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd
hate to
>be around when they drop that product a second time."

P.S. This was contributed by a Sun employee, who will remain anonymous.

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