[ale] Collage 367: Redmond Revisited

[Daniel S. Cox]

All,
	This HumourNet (sic) is specifically anti-Microsoft, so I just *had* to
post it here....

	Enjoy!

Danny

>Date: Thu, 7 Aug 1997 04:38:34 -0400
>Sender: owner-humornet at csf.colorado.edu
>From: HumourNet at telephonet.com (HumourNet)
>To: "The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humor"
<humornet at csf.colorado.edu>
>Subject: Collage 367: Redmond Revisited
>X-To: (HumourNet)
>X-Listprocessor-Version: 8.0 -- ListProcessor(tm) by CREN
>
>Collage 367              H u m o u r N e t              07 Aug 1997
>
>IMPORTANT NOTICE!
>
>This might very well be HumourNet's final message. Well, from the
>list server at CSF, anyway.
>
>Two months ago, I mentioned that HumourNet would be moving to a new
>server -- and it should finally be happening toward the end of
>August. I will be leaving shortly for a week in Canada (the border
>guard has already been alerted, and they are beefing up patrols;
>luckily, they have no idea where I plan to cross), and will probably
>make the move when I return.
>
>[Note: I will have to unsubscribe everyone from CSF and resubscribe
>everyone to the new server. That's a LOT of unsubscription fees. <g>
>Please have your checkbooks ready ...]
>
>If all goes well, your next Collage should come from our new server.
>I do not currently have any information on that server's address or
>command set; I will keep you apprised via the list when the move
>occurs. (Please be forewarned, though, that you will be unable to
>modify your account on the CSF server once the move takes place --
>so, if you send in an "unsub" request, and are told that you are not
>subscribed, sit tight and wait for instructions in the next
>Collage.)
>
>We were *supposed* to have moved this week, but I managed to
>narrowly escape an attempt to bring HumourNet to The Dark Side --
>*and* saved most of Northern California from utter destruction at
>the same time.
>
>It's true. John, my soon-to-be-ServerMeister(tMS), told me that the
>Solaris (Unix) server would not be ready for HumourNet for two more
>weeks -- but that he could move me to another server on site in the
>meantime. It turned out that the "other" server is running on a
>Windows NT box.
>
>Bad idea.
>
>HumourNet and Microsoft products are like matter and antimatter. The
>moment my subscription list would have hit that machine (which
>happens to be physically located in Northern California), the entire
>San Francisco Bay area would have been annihilated. In fact, I've
>considered surreptitiously sending my subscription list to one of
>the servers at microsoft.com for exactly that reason -- but I was
>afraid that the attempted extermination might not work, and the
>entire list would be spammed with Internet Explorer and Office 97
>propaganda.
>
>(Long live System V.)
>
>This, of course, presaged yesterday's announcement that Microsoft
>infused $150 mil into Apple Computer Corporation. Everyone is
>surprised -- but why? The only aspect of this that I find surprising
>is that Microsoft is finally willing to *pay* for its R&D. Without
>Apple, Microsoft would have to conduct research and development
>internally -- and that would probably cost a lot more than $150 mil.
>
>[Note: Please don't mail me your personal analysis of the situation
>UNLESS it's extremely amusing. <g>]
>
>To make matters worse, every pseudo-pundit with barely enough I.Q.
>to dress himself (we won't mention any names) (at Ziff-Davis) seems
>to think that this "investment" in Microsoft's R&D division is
>sufficient for the anti-Microsoft contingent to want to bury the
>hatchet. I guess it's difficult to see the big picture when you're
>lying face down in the mud. But, just to show that -- investments
>notwithstanding -- we harbor no appreciation <g> for the Great
>Redmond Marketing Machine(tMS), the final CSF Collage is dedicated
>to all that is Microsoft.
>
>(I'd wish the bugs of a thousand camels upon Office 97, but it seems
>as if Microsoft already beat me to it.)
>
>Randy in Daphne, Alabama, starts this one off in grand style with
>the piece entitled, "New Airport Menace Unleashed." (This piece
>comes to us via a new effort from Chris White of "Top5" list fame.
>In the course of procuring permission to run the piece, Chris sent
>me a sample mailing from this new list, the  "Daily - Weekly" -- and
>I *highly* recommend subscribing to it! The material was hysterical.
>Subscription instructions appear with the piece. I have no idea
>whether or not the list is hosted on a machine running Microsoft
>software.)
>
>Randy Cassingham -- who runs *another* top-notch mailing list --
>coming to us from Boulder, Colorado, contributes "Windows 95 Defined."
>
>Dave in Birmingham, U.K., sends a great original piece, the "'Look
>And Feel' Lawsuit";
>
>Mark B. -- also in the U.K. -- forwards along some "More Proof That
>Windows Is Not a Virus" (we remain skeptical);
>
>Tom B. in Dunedin, Florida, submits "Gives a Whole New Meaning To
>'Where Do You Want To Go Today?'" (should have run this one with the
>recent NASA Collage <g>);
>
>Scott P. in Hudsonville, Michigan, takes credit for "You Make a Grown
>Man Cry";
>
>Leah in Jerusalem, Israel, finally manages to get one in there first
>with "Leveraging Technology";
>
>and Alan Skelley, Edmonton, Canada -- gracious host of the Colossal
>Humour Page (our official -- albeit under-maintained -- Web site) --
>didn't even realize that he was submitting material when he sent me
>some "Sloppy Code."
>
>It's the first Collage that requires resetting an interrupt jumper
>before it will work -- but trust me, it's truly plug-and-play! ;-)
>
>Huge thanks, as always, to all our contributors. And remember, no
>HumourNet next week; postings should resume once we are up and
>running on the new server.
>
>Enjoy!
>
>- Vince Sabio
>  HumourNet Moderator
>  HumourNet at telephonet.com
>____________________________________________________________________
>          Opener (above) Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio
>  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
>  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
>____________________________________________________________________
>
>SUBJ: New Airport Menace Unleashed
>Excerpted from "The Daily Weekly"
>Copyright 1997, Chris White
>Send e-mail to subscribe: <daily at walrus.com>
>Reprinted with permission; please forward this message in its entirety
>
>Chicago, IL (DWPI) - Just when the public thought it was safe to
>fly again, a new hazard has surfaced.  Reports show that the Hare
>Krishnas and Moonies have been driven out of major airports and
>replaced by Microsoft employees handing out literature extolling
>the virtues of Microsoft products and services.  "You can't get
>away from them.  I ran into the restroom and they stood outside
>the stall shoving copies of Encarta under the door at me!" said
>one flyer who asked not to be identified for fear of having her OEM
>serial numbers revoked by the software giant.  Another person
>complained, "They threatened to trash my laptop unless I deleted my
>Lotus and Word Perfect programs."  Airports worldwide are powerless
>to stop the harassment, since all arrivals and departures are now
>controlled by Microsoft's "Where Do You Want To Go Today?" Flight
>Scheduling software.
>
>- Reported by Dave Henry
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: Windows 95 Defined
>
>Windows 95: n.
>
>32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an
>8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor,
>written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.
>
>  -- Author unknown.
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: "Look And Feel" Lawsuit
>By Dave Hemming
>
>[Dave mentions: "[This] has previously appeared on rec.humor.funny,
>and is currently on the "Bill-Bashing" Web Page for a Mac Users Group.
>Go figure."]
>
>* * *
>To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
>From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
>
>Sirs:
>
>Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention
>your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give
>you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken
>against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
>
>With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser
>extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the
>recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following
>reasons:
>
>o   Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
>    pits of Hell;
>
>o   No man can be in its presence for too long without being
>    driven into gibbering insanity;
>
>o   A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
>    herd;
>
>o   Those who associate with it for too long develop common
>    physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
>    eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
>    towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
>    men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
>    in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien
>    Gods);
>
>o   Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are
>    reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance
>    and only available at a terrible cost to the user.
>
>o   The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
>    the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal
>    damnation.
>
>As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you
>consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering things
>with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.
>
>We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle
>out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior
>partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under
>heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After
>all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity
>lawyers in the first place.
>
>Respectfully yours,
>
><Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor>
>
>pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: More Proof That Windows Is Not a Virus
>
>Thought for the day: "Why windows is not a virus"
>
>    Viruses don't put out stupid two-page ads in
>    magazines centered around the March 6 activate button
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: Gives a Whole New Meaning To "Where Do You Want To Go Today?"
>
>[Editor's Note: I received this from a subscriber in response to
>Collage 356 -- my "Microsoft Acquires" Collage. I generally edit out
>names, but this signature just *had* to stay ... </vs>]
>
>Your Microsoft collage caused me to think that you might enjoy
>checking out this web site. Then again it may scare the heck out of
>you. The site is <http://shuttle.nasa.gov/demos/worldmap.html>.
>Basically, it's a screen shot of the tracking software they use
>aboard the space shuttle ... running on an IBM Thinkpad 755 ...
>under Windows 95.
>
>Tom "watching out for lost shuttles" Beaudry
>
>[Editor's Note: My favorite part was the title of the page: "How
>Does The Crew Know Where The Shuttle Is?" Uh ... if they wake up
>one morning and can't find the Shuttle, they've got a rather serious
>problem on their hands. :-) Heck, it's several billion dollars'
>worth of government equipment; the paperwork ALONE could take years
>to complete. </vs>]
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: You Make a Grown Man Cry
>
>The other day I caught a commercial from that black hole of software
>developers in Redmond, Washington. Being a musician, my attention
>focused on the selection they used. It's the "Confutatis" movement
>from Mozart's _Requiem_. I  wasn't sure about the text, so I looked
>it up. Here's the translation:
>
>  When the damned are confounded
>  and condemned to sharp flames,
>  call me with the blessed.
>
>Surely this can be construed somehow into something with, well, just
>a bit of humor. :-)  Seems to me that MS's ad agency better think
>more about text when they choose music for their commercials.
>
>Remember the Windows 95 theme song?
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: Leveraging Technology
>
>Multiple choice:
>
>Microsoft is negotiating a deal with a major cable television
>company. This will result in:
>
>(a) Enhanced cable systems which will revolutionize both the
>cable-TV industry and the home computer industry with interactive
>cable and digital Internet television
>
>OR
>
>(b) Seinfeld reruns that freeze up in the middle of the episode for
>no apparent reason, requiring you to shut down and restart the
>episode, losing all unsaved jokes.
>
>The correct answer is (b).
>
>========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
>
>SUBJ: Sloppy Code
>
>[Editor's Note: This final piece is excerpted from a not-so-recent
>conversation between Alan Skelley and me. Alan, as some of you know,
>hosts HumourNet's official Web site on Elycion at the University of
>Alberta; he's also a computer science major, and a fellow devotee of
>Linux. </vs>]
>
>AS> And speaking of which, I've got to get to bed or I'll be]
>AS> drooling all over my code tomorrow!
>
>VS> You *do* realize that the program counter updates slower when
>VS> the code has drool on it -- which causes your programs to
>VS> execute slower -- right?
>
>AS> Yup. Also, someone recently showed that the partially dried
>AS> saliva actually accumulates on the CPU registers making for
>AS> increased slowness over time. There is also a related phenomenon
>AS> -- poorly written code, like dirty gasoline, can leave deposits
>AS> on your CPU. That's why, for example, programs run slower on
>AS> machines that ever had Windows running on them for a significant
>AS> amount of time. In order to get rid of these deposits, you have
>AS> have to run some hi-test OS with CPU-cleaning additives  -- like
>AS> Linux -- through it for a while. In order to get rid of the
>AS> *shame*, however, you must do penance by saying 3 hail Linuses
>AS> and getting a subscription to the Linux Journal.
>
>********************************************************************
> Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
>********************************************************************
>
>To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
>command to "listproc at csf.colorado.edu" (without quotes):
>
>subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country
>
>where "your_name" is your real name, and "HumorNet" is spelled the
>American way -- with only one "u" (though the *official* name for
>the list remains "HumourNet"). Thus, my sub request would read:
>
>subscribe HumorNet Vince Sabio, Washington, D.C.
>
>To unsubscribe, send the command "unsubscribe HumorNet" (without
>quotes) to listproc at csf.colorado.edu.
>
>Send all submissions to HumorNet at csf.colorado.edu. Note that each
>contributor is limited to a *maximum* of one submission per day;
>beyond that, all submissions from that contributor are discarded.
>
>>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
>not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
>text whenever possible. <<<
>
>The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:
>
>    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
>    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>
>
>Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
>1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
>containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
>and 2) no fee is charged.
>
>If necessary, *excerpts* of this Collage may be manually forwarded to
>an individual, provided that 1) the first line (containing the date
>and Collage number) is included, and 2) the first three lines of this
>trailer (containing the subscription instructions) are included. The
>opener (which is copyrighted) may be forwarded with the following
>*additional* condition: the opener must remain intact, from the first
>line (Collage number and date) through the *end* of the copyright
>statement (except for passages within <announcements> tags). If you
>have any questions regarding forwarding or posting, please contact
>me at HumourNet at telephonet.com.
>
>For a more detailed set of forwarding/posting guidelines, or for
>info on retrieving back Collages, send the command INFO HUMORNET to
>listproc at csf.colorado.edu.
>
>********************************************************************
>    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
>********************************************************************
></collage367>
>
>
>
>