[ale] OS Airlines

[John M. Mills]

To those of you who may not have seen it:

(Not original, of course.)

OPERATING SYSTEMS...IF THEY WERE AIRLINES:
     
     DOS AIR
     All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, 
     push it until it gets into the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the 
     ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the 
     air, hop on, et cetera.
     
     MAC AIRWAYS
     The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the 
     same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they 
     reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you 
     please return to your seat and watch the movie.
     
     WINDOWS AIRLINES
     The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all
     very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the 
     carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, 
     pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without 
     warning.
     
     WINDOWS 95 AIRLINES
     Perfect for passengers who don't need to go anywhere until next year.
     
     OS/2 SKYWAYS
     The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers 
     milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, 
     wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. 
     Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in 
     hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets 
     outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good 
     the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will 
     be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little 
     longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until 
     mid 1995. Maybe longer.
     
     FLY WINDOWS NT
     All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the 
     chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms 
     and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
     
     UNIX EXPRESS
     All passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with 
     them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly 
     about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it 
     together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build 
     several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some 
     passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe 
     they got there.
     
     WINGS OF OS/400
     The airline has bought ancient DC3s, arguably the best and safest 
     planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them 
     look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to 
     your every need, though the drinks cost $15 for an orange juice. 
     Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have Supportline, 
     which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent 
     flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can 
     call it overhead.
     
     MVS AIRLINES
     The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds
     of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury 
     aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 
     passengers. Bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than 
     anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. 
     It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these 
     humongous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you 
     personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble 
     aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The 
     pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, 
     only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar 
     doors.
     
     
     NETWARE AIR
     Very large and moderately expensive to operate.  Often require their 
     own airport.  "Unique" design gives the planes 3 wings which the 
     engineers insist makes them fly better than standard 2 winged planes.  
     According to their technicians, nothing ever goes wrong with the 
     planes.  If the planes are late on arrival, pilots often claim they 
     were "cut-off" by rival DOS or Windows Airliners.  Tickets must be 
     purchased in packs of 5, 10, 25, 50, 100, 250 or 1000.
     
________________________________________________________________________

John M. Mills, Senior Research Engineer   --   john.m.mills at gtri.gatech.edu
   Georgia Tech Research Institute, Georgia Tech, Atlanta, GA 30332-0853
        Phone contacts: 770.528.3258 (voice), 770.528.7083 (FAX)
                  "It's the Bill of Rights, Stupid!"